Find your Story
Today I am doing something that absolutely terrifies me. 😬 I am starting my life coaching practice and releasing my website and blog months earlier than I had planned. It is not perfect. Not even close.
I am sure for many of you that lack of perfection would not be a big deal. For me it HUGE. It has taken years of work on changing my darkest belief, to get me to the point that I am taking this leap, in spite of how uncomfortable I am.
We all have self-limiting beliefs. It is just part of our human experience. Sometimes we are aware of them. They are the little voices in our heads that say things like….
“I am not good enough”
“I suck at golf”
“What if they think I am stupid?”
Or the one I am having right now that says….
“What makes you so special that you think you can help other people?”
And although I know it is just my brain protecting me, it is still scary. 👹
A few years ago, I uncovered a really deep, dark story I started telling myself years ago. I had just started Spiritual leader Gabby Bernstein’s, Spirit Junkie course. It is a course designed to help people do exactly what I am doing today. I have felt a calling to share this kind of work for years.
One of the first modules in the course lead me through a meditation to help uncover the story that has been holding me back. It led me to my early childhood, to a time when my family was in a lot of pain. I was two and my older brother Patrick, who was born breach, oxygen deprived and severely disabled moved out of our home and into a state-run facility, hours from our home. My parents had done the absolute best they could for 5 years, however the time had come that they could no longer care for him at home with the lack of resources available.😢
As I sat quietly in my meditation, my brain started to bring up images of aunts and uncles and grandparents gently telling me that “mommy and daddy are really sad right now and that they needed me to be a “good girl””.
I had visions of my two-year-old self watching my father be incredibly angry and my mother in unbearable pain.
I remembered her telling me how grateful she was that God had given me to her. That I was her “perfect little girl”.
As a 45-year-old woman I sat in a meditation, vividly remembering an agonizing pain that had been felt by so many. It was so so deep and so excruciating that I now realize, I had no choice but to tuck it away for years. I was bawling, my chest felt like it had a boa constrictor wrapping around it. I literally felt like I was going to die.
And then it hit me. The story that I had kept buried and hidden all these years came flooding to the surface.
YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT OR THEY ARE GOING TO SEND YOU AWAY TOO.
I literally sat there and cried for what seemed like hours. I sat with it for days. I was completely unsettled. Even writing this 3 years later has tears streaming down my face.
A few days later I was golfing with my husband and I shared the experience with him and let him know I was having a really hard time. He had heard me sobbing and since I was still feeling so out of sorts, he suggested I try to do the same meditation again. As soon as we got home, I went into a quiet room, popped in my AirPods and jumped back into the same meditation.
All the memories starting flooding back like it was yesterday. I cried and felt all the emotion all over again. Both my husband and daughter could hear the sobs from the other side of the house.
But this time, I started to heal. 🙌 I started to change the story in my head. I gave that innocent little girl love, compassion and nurturing.
No one expected me to be perfect…..I was perfect just by being me.
No one wanted to send me away….it was just a story I had told myself.
I started to see how the story I had created had served me in some ways and in so many other ways had held me back.
I took full accountability for the story I had created.
I began to release the pressure on myself to be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, friend and realtor.
It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t easy.
I had held on to that belief for 42 years……..and just because I suddenly became aware of it didn’t mean it was going to go away in one day.
But now I know how to look for it. When it starts to sneak back in, I work with it instead of trying to resist it. I observe it. I sit with it. I give it love. I thank it and I let it go. 👋
So why now? Why is today the day I finally start my journey as a coach, a spiritual leader, and a teacher?
Because today, more than ever, we as collective souls having a human experience, need to be conscious of our thoughts. In the wake of COVID-19 we need to be deliberate in our thoughts. We need to use this time to heal ourselves. COVID-19 is just a circumstance. The lockdown we are living in is just a circumstance.
What matters are the thoughts we chose to attach to these circumstances. Our brains are designed to protect us and right now for most people their brains are like monkeys in the wild. 🐒
A life coaches’ job is to help you uncover and recognize your own thoughts so you can decide what you want to do with them. Do you want to keep them? Are they serving you? Do you want to change them? Is this something you want to heal? 🤷. It’s all up to you, however when you are living with your monkey mind you may need a little help slowing down and seeing your thoughts.
So today, I release my need for perfection, knowing that if I can help even one person during this time, it will be totally worth it. 👏👏👏
Thank you for allowing me to share my journey. I love you all so much! ❤️💕
PS. If you want to check out Gabby Bernstein visit www.GabbyBernstein.com . She is an incredible teacher and a true gift in my life.
